Ontario Family Law Blog : Barrie Lawyer & Attorney Brian Galbraith : Simcoe County, Canada Divorce, Separation, and Collaborative Law

I just read an amazing blog by "The Jolly Mama". It is an amazingly honest description of the emotional struggles of separation and divorce from someone going through it.

The title of her blog entry is "Kubler-Ross and My Life Lately" and here is a quote from it.

What does any of this have to do with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross? She is the psychologist who identified the seven stages of grief, and that is what I have been experiencing for the past year. I don't know if all of my emotions have necessarily been identical to the ones she classified. I've been so angry that I'm divorced. That I have to share my children, and I go days without them next to me. That I tried and tried and tried to be a cool wife and was always shut out. That what was lovely about me, my desire to be a helpmate, was rejected or looked upon with suspicion. So, this is not the life I wanted... but it is the life I have.

If you are struggling with depression or grieving the end of your marriage, take heart, you are not alone. Everyone who goes through a divorce experiences the same grief process. At Christmas and other special occasions, the pain of divorce can be worse.

I am a divorce lawyer yet when I went through my own divorce, it was devastating. I thought I would do okay being a divorce professional, yet I too went through the whole grieving process, just like everyone else. It was painful.

Pamela S. Wynn, a lawyer in Florida, writes a great blog  with useful advice on how to get through the depressive feelings divorcing people experience especially during the holiday season. She suggests (I'm summarizing) the following: 

1. Be your own best friend.
2. Focus on lifting the spirits of others.
3. Integrate - don't isolate.
4. Initiate new holiday traditions.  

I would add to Pamela's list.... "Find and work with a Divorce Coach".

They have special training on how to help you work through the emotional stages of divorce. In our area, we recommend Sue Cook or  Deborah Alton. They are both excellent divorce coaches.

Using a divorce coach does not mean you are suffering from a mental illness or that you are weak in some way. They will not engage you in therapy. They simply help you understand and move through the emotional stages of divorce more quickly. Time heals everything but who wants to wait around! Go see a divorce coach. I did.

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Daniel Clement pointed out in his blog that a UK law firm is actually selling gift certificates for a consultation with a divorce lawyer. What do you think of that? ... the gift of divorce!! 

Here are the top ten uses I have come up with so far, just for laughs, with suggestions on what to write on the gift card in quotes. Do you have any additions?

10. Give it to your spouse who is unwilling to deal with the reality of your separation and is stalling the process. "Let's get this done, honey!"

9. Give it to your lover who has said he or she will get a divorce but just hasn't done it. "Hey, if you love me, you would get this done!"

8. Give it to your sister so you don't need to deal with that nasty brother-in-law at Christmas!!  "You can do better!"

7. Give it to the guy who just took your parking lot at the mall, for his wife. "You can park yourself somewhere better!"

6. Give it to your friend who is about to get married to a jerk.  "Just in case..."

5. If you are single, give it anonymously to someone married who you would like to date. "Hint. Hint. There are more fish in the ocean... including me!"

4. Give it to your favourite bartender or hairdresser. "In case you need some advice too!"

3. Give it yourself. If you are facing a divorce, maybe it's time to get some advice.  "O.K. I had better take a deep breath and get this done!"

2. Give it to Tiger Woods' wife. "Thirteen lovers is too many! "

1. Give it to Tiger Woods. "Sorry... but you might as well get back to golfing!"

Actually, all kidding aside, I like the idea of being able to give the gift of good advice to someone in need. If you are going through a divorce, wouldn't it be nice to receive this helping hand from a friend or family member?

What do you think? Should we start offering them for sale?

Another idea... I think we should start stamping the back of our business cards and offer the fifth divorce FREE!! ...okay... that's too tacky!! But it is funny!!

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Tiger Woods has become the focus of much ridicule recently as a result of his admission to having had extra-marital relations.  One publication suggests Tiger had 14 mistresses over the course of his short marriage. Wow! That's a lot!

Some have focused on Tiger being caught as a result of his use of text messages. This is a fascinating new development unheard of ten years ago. May I suggest the thoughtful blogs written by Dick Price, Ashley Russell and Daniel Clement for this angle.

But my friends all ask the same question: "Why would anyone in Tiger's position do this?" Tiger seems to have it all - money, fame, a career playing a game he loves, a beautiful wife, two healthy children - yet he appears to have thrown it all away with these acts of indiscretion.

Why Tiger?

The answer ... perhaps it was childhood wounds but I don't know Tiger personally so I can't speculate... sorry....

If your marriage has been rocked by an affair you are not alone. USA Today reports that 15% of wives and 25% of husbands have experienced extramarital intercourse. Can you believe those stats?  

I recommend you read  "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D. In fact, both Tiger and his wife Elin would be wise to read this excellent book. It could help them answer "why?" It could help you too.

The author suggests that it is possible to rebuild trust in a marriage when a partner has been unfaithful and she even suggests how to do it. Even if reconciliation is not likely in your situation, this book is still worth reading whether you were the unfaithful partner or the hurt partner. If you know "why", you might avoid making the same mistake twice.

Dr. Springs suggests it all stems from child-hood wounds. She says:

... if you missed out on the development of the following critical growth experiences, you may never have developed into a healthy, secure, competent adult:

1. Being safe and secure.

2. Functioning independently in the world.

3. Having solid emotional connections with others.

4. Being valued.

5. Being free to express yourself.

6. Being free to let go and have fun.

7. Living with realistic limitations.

So, essentially, Dr. Springs suggests that your childhood emotional wounds can haunt you in adult-life leading to extra-marital affairs as an attempt to heal your wounds or in reaction to those wounds.

I am over-simplifying Dr. Spring's ideas. You need to read her book to understand her theory and apply it to your own life.

Neither Dr. Spring nor I are attempting to justify having an affair -  I feel it is wrong and tremendously hurtful to have an affair - but rather I am suggesting that Dr. Spring's book can help you discover the childhood wounds that may have lead to the adult indiscretions. She then offers ways of rebuilding the trust in your damaged marriage, and offers life-lessons for the rest of you whose marriage won't be able to recover from the deceit of an affair.

I commend Tiger for taking time away from his career to look deeply at his marriage and life. I hope he reads Dr. Spring's book during his time away from the golf course. Likewise, if your life has been rocked by infidelity, whether you were the unfaithful partner or the hurt partner, I strongly suggest you read Dr. Springs book... and take some time away from the golf course, if you must!

It appears that Tiger is heading for divorce according to US News.

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I shed a tear and held back a million of them. Have you ever had a moment like that?

Maybe it was when you dropped off your son or daughter to daycare for the first time... or said good-bye on the first day of school, trying your best to show a brave face... or the first weekend with your ex spouse....or maybe when you resisted giving them a kiss as they went off to the prom with a date...or when you said "good luck" as they boarded the airplane for an exchange or to head to university... or was it when they had their first sleep over at a friend's home... or went away to camp for the first time. I bet you've had more than a few of those moments.

It's a time of mixed emotions. Fear - that your little one will need you and you won't be there to help. Disappointment - knowing that they probably won't need you. Sadness - of the pending silence now that they won't be around. Pride - that you have done a good job and they are ready to be on their own.

I had one of those moments this past weekend when I dropped off my son and his girlfriend of five years at their new home thousands of miles away. My wife and I dropped them off at their new home near a ski resort in the Canadian Rockies where they will work and ski for the winter. He is 18 and she is 19 years old.

As you can see from these photos of him, he is no longer a baby.

On top of the normal feelings of a parent saying good-bye to their son, I had another layer of feelings because I am a divorced dad. I felt guilt that his mother wasn't there to say good-bye because we are now divorced. Guilt that he was the child of divorce. Guilt that I wasn't always with him when he was growing up because he was with his mother. I also felt pride that I spent every moment possible with him and his brothers since separation, making them my focus when they were in my care. I also felt good that I had provided him with an excellent role model as to a healthy, loving relationship with my new marriage. I felt happy that I had positively contributed to him becoming who he is today.

Frankly, I could not speak to my wife after we said good-bye to my son. The emotions were too overwhelming.

Eventually, I said to myself "I have a choice. I can focus on the negative emotions or the positive ones." I chose the positive ones. I chose to think about what a great guy my son had become.

Justin is...

1. Caring and sensitive. Justin feels everything deeply. He is the peace-maker in the family always striving to find a just solution and to bring his family and friends together. He has maintained a loving relationship with his girlfriend for over five years in spite of him being only 18 years old because he is so caring, understanding and sensitive. He has many great  male friends too because he is a great friend to them.

Justin is...

2. Resourceful. Let me share a story. On a week-long canoe camping trip , I forgot the cutlery. Justin was not discouraged. He simply got out his knife and whittled a spork (spoon fork) from wood for himself. He made the most out of with what he had around him. This is typical of Justin.

Justin is...

3. Courageous. Whether mountain biking or snowboarding, Justin is always ready to push himself to great heights without being crazy or reckless. He was never afraid of challenges. He has played the violin since he was 5 years of age and never hesitated to perform for an audience. In fact, he played the violin at my wedding ceremony and at the open house of my new office. There is no fear in that boy.

Justin is... well.... he is all grown up now and I am so proud of him.

After focusing on the positives, I realized that Justin had turned out to be a great young man in spite of, or maybe, partly perhaps because of my divorce. Hmmmm.

If you are going through a divorce, remember to focus on the positive. Don't let the little voice of negativity get you down. Choose to be positive.

I only shed a couple of tears when I said good-bye and I held back a million. Then I realized that this was a new beginning for my son and, frankly, a new beginning for me. It was a good thing. He will be fine... and so will I.

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Are you dreading Christmas? Will it be your first  special holiday since your separation?  Are you depressed about not having your children for New Year's Eve, or Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or some other special day. Whatever the holiday, you are not alone.

I remember the first Christmas that my three boys were with their mother Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I cried and felt depressed most of the day. The time seemed to creep by so slowly. I felt all alone and like a failure.

I should have taken my 6 year old son's advice.

A few days before Christmas, he knew he would spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day with his Mom because that's what we agreed. So, he asked me to write a letter to Santa and ask him to come to my house on December 26th instead of the 25th. My son said that Santa comes to Steve's house (Steve is my friend who is divorced with kids too) on the 26th so he was sure he wouldn't mind coming to our house then too!

Of course, Santa did come on December 26th, even without a letter, but I think the message my son unwittingly was giving me was that it does not matter when we celebrate Christmas...lets just make whatever day we have together full of love, gratitude, Santa and fun. He knew Santa (and joy) would arrive whenever we wanted them to arrive. We just had to schedule it.

To help make your holidays special, here are ten things you can do:

1. Ensure your schedule is specific. You and your ex spouse should confirm well in advance when each of you will have the children. If you don't have specific times already agreed, negotiate the days and times as soon as possible. There are too many other sources of stress in December so try to nail down your times with your children now.
2. Don't fight over which days you have your children. Whenever you have them, make it special. If you really need particular days, offer to trade days with your ex spouse or give your ex spouse those special days next year. Treat your ex they way you would like to be treated, even if it isn't reciprocated.
3. Do something special for yourself. I make myself some of my favorite food, pour myself some wine, watch some basketball in front of the fireplace and wrap presents all day on December 25th. Actually, I look forward to my day spent all by myself. I am totally relaxed and ready when the boys come over on December 26th.
4. Support your children having a good time with their other parent. If you need to speak to someone about your sad feelings, talk to a friend or therapist - not your kids.  The children don't need to hear it. They need to hear that it is okay to have fun with their other parent too.
5. Create new traditions. This is a new beginning for you and your children so don't try to replicate the past. Find new ways to celebrate the event. You can preserve some of the past traditions but find new ways of celebrating too. My parents always put a maraschino cherry on the top of our grapefruits Christmas morning so I continue to do the same now. Change things up too... I started singing Christmas carols after our Christmas dinner.
6. Get outside. Go for a walk or ski or snowshoe. There is nothing more rejuvenating than being outside with nature and your family. When your kids are with you, take them outside too. A good snowball fight can really build up an appetite.
7. Give of your heart. If you have just recently separated, money is likely short so don't try to spend like you did in the past. Do something special for the people you love. Maybe you can write a special little poem for each of them or list twenty ways you appreciate them. Gifts often don't have lasting meaning. Can you even list five gifts you received last year or the year before? It is the feelings of love and appreciation that last forever.
8. Stay sober. If you over-drink,  you run the risk of crumbling into a pile of self-pity and depression. Nobody wants to see that and certainly your kids don't need to see it. Have fun but be careful so you can keep it together emotionally, especially during your first Christmas since your separation.
9. Surround yourself with positive, supportive people. If your family or friends are negative, remind them the season is all about gratitude, love and appreciation. Park you own negativity and search for the positive in everything and everyone, even your ex spouse.
10. Relax. Know that in time the holidays will become easier to get through and more fun. Just take a deep breath and get through your first set of holidays. Next year, it will be better. Trust me.

There are several wonderful blogs about surviving the holiday season after divorce. I recommend Richard Sharp's blog, Anne Shales blog, Nancy Van Tine's blog and Rosalind Sedacca's blog.  All have excellent advice for parents who are going through a divorce at this time of the year.

Now, my youngest son is 12 years old and he says the best thing about Mom and Dad having separated is that he enjoys "two Christmases, two Easters and two Thanksgivings!" He says "if you like that kind of food, it's great!" Let me assure you... he certainly does like "that kind of food!"

So make it a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa or whatever special holiday you are celebrating this year. Joy will come whenever you schedule its arrival. It is up to you.

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