Ontario Family Law Blog : Barrie Lawyer & Attorney Brian Galbraith : Simcoe County, Canada Divorce, Separation, and Collaborative Law

We need a Divorce Fair in Barrie, Ontario!

Recently, Halifax hosted it's first divorce fair. It was an opportunity to learn everything you need to know about getting a divorce, and how to prepare for life after divorce. Wow! What a great idea.

The fair was two days: one day for men and one day for women. You wouldn't want to bump into your spouse, especially if your spouse doesn't know you are thinking about divorce, hence the division of days by gender. Makes good sense to me.

Michael Niren in his most recent blog at www.divorcesupport.ca suggests that with the divorce rate over 40% this sort of fair may become common place in Canada. I hope so.

A similar fair was held in the UK in the spring of 2009 for the first time, and it was well received according to article in  The Telegraph. A second one is scheduled for March, 2010. I like the name they are using in the U.K. It's called the Starting Over Show which of course makes the acronym SOS. Very appropriate.

There are exhibitors and speakers at these shows. For example, lawyers, mediators, financial planners, yoga teachers, dentists (to improve your smile), cosmetic surgeons, psychologists, real estate agents, counselors, dating agencies, life coaches and anybody else who might be of interest to people going through a divorce have booths or do presentations. It's a place to get more information, new contacts and get inspired as you begin your new life.

Oliver Moore in his article in The Globe and Mail about the Halifax fair quotes the main speaker at the Halifax fair, Justice Harvey Brownstone as follows:

Mr. Justice Harvey Brownstone, author of Tug of War: A Judge's Verdict on Separation, Custody Battles, and the Bitter Realities of Family Court, is speaking on both days. He noted in an interview that he's seen first-hand the “emotional carnage” that can result from divorce.

“It bothers me as a judge that by the time we see parents they're in front of me geared up for a fight,” he said. “I have long thought that I'd like to be able to reach them in advance. These people need counselling, they need financial advice, they need help coming up with parenting plans.”

The divorce fair provided the kind of information Justice Brownstone suggests, so people can make an educated decision about their choices. Too often people considering divorce end up meeting with traditional divorce lawyers who simply urge them to go to court.

I believe divorce is not just a legal problem. It has emotional, financial, parenting and many other aspects to it. An interdisciplinary approach to divorce best meets your needs. A divorce fair sounds like it would give the public the perspectives of many different disciplines and professionals which is a good thing.

We suggest clients use Collaborative Team Practice to resolve their divorce-related issues. It is an interdisciplinary approach to divorce. Financial specialist help with the financial issues; Divorce coaches help with the emotional aspects; and, parenting coaches help with the parenting issues. Lawyers deal with the legal aspects, offer their help resolving difficult issues and ensure the resulting agreement is legally binding. It works well. Both parties and professionals agree that they won't go to court and will put all their energies into reaching a mutually agreeable settlement.

"Divorce Fair"... I even like the name! Fairs always have roller coasters and everyone who has been through a divorce knows it can be like a roller coaster ride some of the time! 

So, who wants to help me organize a Divorce Fair for Barrie? 

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Can you imagine receiving a $150,000 per month, tax free? Karen Sala certainly could and sued Keanu Reeves hoping he would be ordered to pay that tidy sum to her. She was not successful.

A recent article in The Star declares that the paternity case against Keanu Reeves by Sala was dismissed by the Ontario Courts. According to The Star, Justice Graham declared that the allegations against Reeves were "so incredible" that no reasonable judge would accept them.  The judge said having a trial would be a waste of limited judicial time.

Karen Sala was seeking $3 million a month in spousal support and $150,000 a month in retroactive child support. She alleged that Reeves was the father of her four adult children.

It is remarkable that she pushed the case this far. DNA tests had been done which indicated that Reeves was not likely the father of the children. DNA tests cannot say with full certainty if somneone is the father but they are accurate 99.9999% of the time. Usually, that's good enough for the judges to dismiss the case as happened in this case.

As Ms A.J. Jakubowska notes in her blog, child support payments in Ontario are not tax deductible for the payor and the recipient does not have to claim them as income. Sala would have been able to pocket $1.8 million dollars per year, tax free, had she won her case.

How is the amount of child support determined? 

Child support payments are set in accord with the Federal Child Support Guidelines. For Ms Sala to have received $150,000 per month, she would have had to prove that Reeves' income was about $8.5 million annually. I guess that's possible...

As Ms Jakubowska, a Newmarket family lawyer, notes in her blog, spousal support is tax deductible to the payor and must be claimed as income to the recipient. So, if Sala had been successful, Reeves would have been able to deduct the spousal support from his income but not the child support.

Certainly there is an incentive to sue for child support when the stakes can be this high but DNA tests constitute a mountain too high to overcome. You can't just allege someone is the father of your children these days expect to get away with it. If you are lying, science will prove you wrong. How DNA tests work is a sample of hair from the father, mother and child are analyzed in a lab. The DNA of the child is compared to the DNA of the "alleged" parents to determine if paternity is possible. Courts like the certainty of DNA tests.  They normally end the case one way or another.

Ms Sala was tenacious. She persisted in court. She lost. Case closed. Next? .....

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Did you make a resolution this year to stop smoking, lose weight, reduce your debt? Or maybe you resolved that this is the year to get a divorce.

The origins of New Year's resolutions, according to Gordon North in his ezine article goes back to ancient Babylon and Roman times about 2000 BC. For just as long a time, people have been breaking their New Year's resolutions.

Anja Pujic in her blog at Suite 101 has good advice about how best to keep your resolutions. She  offers the following: 

When setting your New Year's goals, use these guidelines to start you off on the right track:

1. Don’t be afraid of failure. The trick is not to put so much pressure on yourself that you start doubting your ability to achieve your goal. Tell yourself that this is something you would like to achieve one day. Doing so will make it seem less like a chore and more like a hobby.
2. Don’t put a time limit on your resolution. If it takes one year, that’s great; if it takes longer, then it’s no big deal. By giving yourself a little bit of breathing room, you reduce pressure and stress and make your resolution easier to achieve and more enjoyable.
3. Don’t make your resolution too ambitious. Set and stick to realistic goals because you are more likely to achieve them and less likely to be disappointed in yourself.
4. Practice discipline in every aspect of your life. This will make it easier to discipline yourself to follow through with your resolution. When you feel tempted to procrastinate, remember that the sooner you start working on your resolution, the faster and easier it will be to attain.
5. Take baby steps. You cannot reach your New Year’s resolution overnight so don’t expect to. If you do, you are more likely to become disappointed in yourself, lose motivation and, in the end, fail.
6. Tell someone about your resolution so that it feels real. Even better, find someone with the same resolution and support each other along the way. Talking to someone who is going through the same thing as you are can be a great source of relief, encouragement and support during moments of weakness. It can also help build and develop great lifelong relationships between people.

We normally see a surge in clients in the New Year, seeking a divorce for the same reasons people make resolutions at New Year.  The New Year brings with it a new resolve to make things better in our lives. Clients struggle through the holiday period, doing their best to "hold it together". Nobody wants to be accused of being Scrooge by seeking a divorce at Christmas. So, in January, clients come to our office in droves, wanting to improve their lives through divorce.

Constance Ahrons in her book The Good Divorce says that her research indicates that most divorced people don't regret getting a divorce but wish they had started the process sooner and not "held out".

If you have decided this is the year for you to get a divorce, apply Anja's principles to the process:

1. Don't be afraid of failure. You are not alone. About 50% of marriages end in divorce and they manage to get through it. So will you.
2. Don’t put a time limit on your resolution. Divorce takes time and is a painful process at best. Just take one day at a time. Remember the process goes as fast as the slowest person. If you are the one initiating the divorce, your spouse is probably not there yet emotionally and will need some time to catch up. Be patient. 
3. Don’t make your resolution too ambitious. Divorce is a monumental change in your life. Set reasonable, smaller, achievable goals to keep yourself moving forward to your new life.
4. Practice discipline in every aspect of your life. Find healthy ways of coping with your divorce. Use discipline to avoid falling into unhealthy coping techniques such as over drinking or drug use. Get exercise, eat properly and get adequate sleep. Find a Divorce Coach who will help you stay the course.
5. Take baby steps. Make a list of the things that have to be done, and then break down each item into the smaller steps. Take one step at a time and then celebrate your daily successes. Start with finding the right lawyer (a Collaboratively trained divorce lawyer) who will help you work through the issues. Also find a good Divorce Coach to help you through the emotional journey. That's a good start.
6. Tell someone about your resolution so that it feels real. Most people start by telling their family (brothers, sisters, parents) about their decision to get a divorce. Seek out positive, supportive people in your life who will comfort you when you need it.

I don't advocate that you get a divorce if you have a fulfilling, loving marriage. You are one of the lucky few. But, if you feel that a divorce is inevitable, now is as good a time as any. Take a deep breath, find your resolve and move forward toward your new and better life. It's a New Year!

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