Stay Connected With Your Children After Divorce With Facebook

Posted on March 30, 2011 by Brian Galbraith

Communication with teenagers can be difficult at the best of times. When you are separated, it can be even more difficult. 

I am always looking for ways to be part of my teenagers' lives. I enjoy Facebook and am friends with my three teenage boys on it. It gives me some insight into their lives without having to ask awkward questions. The key to staying their friend is to not make comments on anything they post. If you do, you will quickly embarrass them and will soon be de-friended. (One son blocked me from reading his wall. Yikes - that hurts! ) 

I have also taken the bold step to invite my sons' friends and even girlfriends (past and present) to be my friend on Facebook and, surprisingly, I have never been turned down. This gives me even more insight into the lives of my children and teenagers in general. 

I think the boys are a bit more careful about what they post knowing I am their friend which, frankly, is a good thing. It prevents them from posting something that could bite them in the butt down the road when they apply for a job. 

The New York Times has a great article about how Facebook can be used as an excellent conduit for communication with your teenagers. An interesting comment about the article is found at  www.allfacebook.com. They have some great stories from other people's experiences. 

I text with my boys. I email them. I speak to them on the phone. I Skype with them. And I spend as much time with them as possible. It's great being a dad in the 21st century. There are so many ways to stay connected with my kids. 

Ooops.. Gotta go. My Blackberry is buzzing and vibrating... now just to figure out how it works so I can respond!! 

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Family Court versus Collaborative Practice: You Choose

Posted on March 28, 2011 by Brian Galbraith

Ontario's Chief Justice Warren Winkler advocates for changes to the family court system to make it more efficient, less adversarial and more cost-effective, according to The Globe and Mail. He suggests that litigants should be diverted to mediation or an alternative process to the traditional adversarial process. While I admire the Chief Justice's ambition, frankly, I believe the family court is here to stay. There will always be certain people who just want a piece of flesh torn from the back of their ex spouse and certain lawyers willing to do it. The Family Court will always be a messy, bloody circus. 

We already have an efficient, effective process available to separating couples and it's called Collaborative Team Practice. We have many trained professionals willing and able to help separating couples resolve their issues in a mature, reasonable and private process yet our family courts continue to be overflowing with litigants, hell bent on revenge.

Why?  I think there is some sort of primal instinct in us all that just loves a good fight. Otherwise, why would sports like NHL hockey and professional boxing thrive?  

If you go to a traditional lawyer who loves to do battle, you will be lead astray and end up in family court, paying thousands of dollars to avenge yourself. In the end, you will feel raped and abused. You won't feel good about it. Nobody does.

I applaud Chief Justice Winkler desire to educate the public about alternatives to the toe-to-toe battle of family court. I believe if more people knew about Collaborative Team Practice, it would become mainstream.

There may be a primal instinct to fight but I also believe that deep down most people are reasonable and just want to get through their separation quickly, fairly and cost-effectively. Given the opportunity, they will do the right thing.

To put it another way, given a choice between the brawling, head-injury prone style of NHL hockey versus fast-paced, skill-oriented Olympic hockey, most North Americans will choose the Olympic style hockey every time, hands down. 

If you are getting a divorce, you decide. Court versus Collaborative. Are you a brawler or a reasonable person who just needs some help to get through tough times? 

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Custody: Sole, Parallel, Shared, Split - What Does It Mean?

Posted on March 21, 2011 by Brian Galbraith

Are you confused by the different types of custody? You are not alone.  Most people find the terms confusing. 

Many people think joint custody means the children spend equal time with both parents. Actually it means that the parents make decisions together. It has nothing to do with the amount of time the children spend with each parent. Day-to-day decisions are made by the parent in whose care the children are at the time. Major decisions such as those affecting the children's health, recreational activities, religious training and education are made together. For example, the parents do not discuss daily homework assignments but they should discuss whether to change the children's school. 

Effective co-parents discuss problems with the children's education, milestones, upcoming assignments and events. The degree of communication is up to you.

Sole custody means that one parent makes the major decisions. Of course, consultation with the other parent is usually wise as it keeps both parents feeling involved but if the parents cannot speak to each other respectfully, it may be limited. The other parent has a right to information about the children from all educators, health care providers and others involved in the children's lives.

Parallel custody is another type of decision making. In parallel custody the decision making is divided between the parents. For example, one parent may make the health care and educational decisions whereas the other parent may make the recreational activity and religious decisions. The purpose of parallel custody is to minimize the need for the parents to communicate but to keep both highly involved in the parenting. In reality, I'm not sure if it works. Sounds awkward or artificial somehow.

Shared custody is not about the decision making process but rather is based on the children's schedule: the children are with each parent about equal time. This can have implications on the amount of child support paid. To learn more about the impact on child support read this article.

Are you confused yet? One more term to go.

In split custody arrangements each parent has at least one child in their primary care and they usually have access to the other children who reside primarily with the other parent. Often the arrangement is that the children are together on weekends alternating between their parents' homes but they live separately during the week with one or more with each parent.

These legal terms are important but what is more important is that you and your ex find a way to parent peacefully, keeping the best interests of the children paramount.

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Keeping Healthy Boundaries While Co-Parenting

Posted on March 14, 2011 by Brian Galbraith

Co-parenting after divorce is not easy. It's like walking a tight rope at first. 

You want to be cooperative and communicate well but on the other hand how close is too close with your ex spouse?

Karen Buscemi wrote a great blog in the Huffington Post about keeping boundaries with your ex spouse. Karen says there are five things you should not do:

1. Don't give your spouse that sexy look.

2. Don't hug your ex spouse.

3. Don't give your spouse too much attention at social events.

4. Don't stay too chummy with your ex spouse's family.

5. Don't use your ex spouse's friends.

There are two sides of the coin. I fully agree with Karen but would add the following:

1. Don't give your ex spouse that dirty look like you are disgusted by them. How would you feel if you saw one of your parents give the other parent that kind of look?

2. Don't push your ex spouse away. If you need a hand, ask for help. If your ex needs a hand, help out. Treat your ex like a good neighbour.

3. Don't pretend that your ex spouse does not even exist when at social events. Occasional eye contact is polite. Maybe you could even say "hi" .  It wouldn't kill you.

4. You don't have to be enemies with your ex spouse's family. You can still be friends. There are a lifetime of events you will share so reach out and try to break the ice. It is awkward but worth some effort to make things comfortable for everyone, especially your children.

5. Your friends can be your ex spouse's friends. It isn't fair to ask them to keep secrets so remember that what you say or do may get back to your ex spouse. If you have something to hide, be careful. But, hey, who has something to hide?

Striking the right balance is a real challenge. Working with a Family Coach or Divorce Coach (both are therapists with special training to help clients move through the emotional stages of divorce) really helps. 

Walking on a tight rope is challenging at first. You might fall from time to time. Your spouse might fall too. Be patient. Put in supports to catch you when you fall such as a Family Coach. Raising kids is like being in a circus. Co-parenting is just another act! You can do it... one step at a time! 

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10 Most Infamous Acts of Infidelity in Modern History

Posted on March 6, 2011 by Brian Galbraith

Just read an interesting blog. I have copied it below but check out the original at BestCollegesOnline.net (Reproduced with permission).

10 Most Infamous Acts of Infidelity in Modern American History
 

Henry Kissinger, one of our nation's most accomplished secretaries of state, said it best: "Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac." Given his homely looks and reputation for womanizing during his younger years — "younger" referring his 50s when he had the most power — he knows as well as anyone. It seems that American politicians, actors and athletes have a penchant for "making the rounds," even when they've apparently settled down and married. Some do it more recklessly than others, leading to public relations nightmares when news of their dalliances hits the back pages. The following 10 infamous affairs were committed by famous Americans who ultimately fell victim to their own carnal weaknesses. Read on to refresh your memory on how it turned out for them.

  1. Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky: Never before or since has an extramarital affair received more press attention. The actions of the commander-in-chief are always under intense scrutiny, and people expect him to perform his duties in a dignified manner. That's why when the Lewinsky story broke, Clinton swiftly denied it, uttering 11 words that defined his presidency: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky." But as the evidence became overwhelming, including the presence of the infamous blue dress, he was forced to admit to the relationship. Clinton was held in contempt of court for apparently lying during deposition for the Jones lawsuit, and the Republican-controlled Congress issued Articles of Impeachment against him, with many believing he was guilty of obstruction of justice and perjury. Clinton was acquitted of the charges and ironically, the highest approval rating of his presidency came on the day of his impeachment. Despite the outcome, rumors of Clinton's constant infidelities plagued his presidency and served as a lesson — usually not followed — to other horndogs in office.
  2. John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe: You could also add the Robert Kennedy/Marilyn Monroe affair to this list — she, as did many women during the '50s and '60s, adored the Kennedys. Although there's never been a true smoking gun to confirm with 100 percent assuredness that the JFK/Monroe affair occurred, some people seem to think Monroe's seductive singing of "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" is enough evidence. Judith Exner, another of JFK's reputed mistresses, described an affair he had with Monroe, and journalist Anthony Summers studied the affair in two books, one of which mentions her deepening depression after he ended the relationship. Of course, conspiracy theorists like to speculate that JFK was responsible for her death, but that's just crazy talk.
  3. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: Brad Pitt has never explicitly admitted to cheating on Jennifer Aniston with Angelina Jolie, but he has implied that he was guilty of emotionally cheating on Aniston by stating that he fell in love with Jolie during the filming of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Not coincidentally, Pitt and Aniston divorced during the production of the film, and a month later, Pitt and Jolie were photographed together in Kenya. The two then morphed into one, at least according to the press, becoming known as "Brangelina," and the rest is history. Cheating is bad and all, but you've got to admit — Pitt is one lucky son of a gun.
  4. Tiger Woods and Rachel Uchitel, etc, etc.: The salacious details of Tigers' numerous trysts cascaded through the press after it was revealed in late November 2009 — thanks to his front yard car accident — that he had an affair with New York City nightclub manager Rachel Uchitel. It was Jaimee Grubbs who did the most damage, releasing voice and text messages from Tiger that occurred during their two-and-a-half year relationship. As a result, Tiger issued a vague apology, but as more of his mistresses came forward, he was forced to unequivocally fess up to his deeds. He took an indefinite leave from the PGA tour and sat idly by as several of his endorsements were either terminated or suspended. Since the months-long ordeal, Tiger's wife Elin filed for divorce and he lost his world number one ranking for the first time in 623 weeks.
  5. Hugh Grant and Divine Brown: Like a couple others on this list, it's mind-numbingly difficult to understand why a huge movie star would cheat on his seemingly perfect girlfriend, Elizabeth Hurley, with someone so undesirable — for Hugh, it was a Hollywood hooker named Divine Brown (just Google her pictures). The scandal occurred a couple of weeks prior to the release of Nine Months, when he was arrested for misdemeanor lewd conduct in a public place. Famously, Grant appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno later that week and took responsibility for his actions. Fortunately for Grant, Hurley didn't kick him to the curb.
  6. Gary Hart and Donna Rice: In Gary Hart's case, his extramarital extracurriculars resulted in the ruination of his political aspirations. Entering the 1988 Democratic primary as the frontrunner to win the nomination, he was prepared to overtake the Republican dynasty George Bush was hoping to continue. Hart was so confident in himself that, when rumors surfaced that he was having an affair, he dared the press to follow him around to find dirt. The Miami Herald, which had already been investigating his womanizing, took him up on it and kept a close eye on his townhouse, where reporters spotted a woman later identified as 29-year-old model Donna Rice. Hart's support in New Hampshire, the sight of the first primary, decreased drastically. When photos were published of him and Rice aboard a yacht fittingly named Monkey Business, he decided to drop out of the race. He briefly returned, however, when it became apparent the public felt he was unfairly treated by the media. But his candidacy was already dead, and he was forced to retreat from the forefront of the political arena. It was a steep price to pay for a good time with an attractive blonde.
  7. John Edwards and Rielle Hunter: Twenty years after Hart's misdeeds, another Democratic presidential candidate was caught in an affair, though this time, he wasn't the frontrunner to win the nomination. Rumors of John Edwards' infidelities with former campaign worker Rielle Hunter emerged three months before primary season officially kicked off and lingered somewhat on the backburner until after his candidacy was finished during the summer of 2008. He admitted to the affair during an August interview but denied being the father of her young son. For a while, campaign aide Andrew Young claimed, at Edward's request, to be the father, but later admitted that Edwards is the father — Edwards came clean in January 2010. The worst part about the whole episode: his wife Elizabeth was battling breast cancer during it all.
  8. Kobe Bryant and Katelyn Faber: Professional athletes simply shouldn't marry until after they retire. There's just too much temptation — unless, of course, you're the unrecognizable guy who sits at the end of the bench. Kobe Bryant certainly isn't a bench warmer, and he's certainly susceptible to temptation. Such was the case during his 2003 visit to The Lodge and Spa at Cordillera hotel in Eagle, Colorado prior to undergoing knee surgery, where he met 19-year old hotel employee Katelyn Faber. Their very brief relationship ended with a sexual assault accusation against Bryant, which he denied. The ordeal caused significant damage to his clean reputation. Like Tiger, he was dropped by some of his endorsers and issued a public apology, but unlike with Tiger, his wife was at his side. Vanessa opted not to file for divorce, possibly because of the dazzling $4 million dollar, 8-carat purple diamond ring she received from Kobe as an "I'm sorry" gift. Faber settled a civil lawsuit with Bryant in 2004.
  9. David Letterman and Stephanie Birkitt: The tables were turned on Letterman in 2009 when he became the butt of jokes pertaining to his marital infidelity. Famously, Letterman admitted to having affairs with members of his staff in response to an extortion attempt by Joe Halderman, a fellow CBS employee who worked as a producer for 48 Hours. Three weeks earlier, Letterman discovered a package in his car from Halderman threatening that he'd write a book and screenplay if Letterman didn't pay him $2 million. Halderman eventually pleaded guilty to attempted grand larceny and spent six months in jail after Letterman and the Manhattan District Attorney's office set up a sting operation. Letterman apologized to his staff and wife on the air, and Stephanie Birkitt, an assistant of Letterman who was romantically linked to him and Halderman, was subsequently removed from the show.
  10. James McGreevey and Golan Cipel: James McGreevey is the one person on this list who, to many Americans, is solely remembered for his infidelities because of the way he has faded from public view. In 2004, an election year, the then-New Jersey governor, a married man with kids, confessed that he is "a gay American" and to engaging in "an adult consensual affair with another man" during a press conference announcing his resignation. The sudden revelation came as a response to threats of a sexual harassment lawsuit from Golan Cipel, whom McGreevy appointed as homeland security adviser. Cipel later claimed that he never had a true romantic affair with McGreevy and was just one of his many victims.
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