Ontario Family Law Blog : Barrie Lawyer & Attorney Brian Galbraith : Simcoe County, Canada Divorce, Separation, and Collaborative Law

Are you over 50 years old and thinking about getting a divorce? You are not alone. More and more older couples are getting divorced. Deborah Moskovitch, author of The Smart Divorce writes an interesting blog in the Huffington Post about this phenomenon. She says we shouldn't be surprised because the reasons for marriage have changed and the stigma of divorce has diminished.

Deborah writes in her blog the following: 

 Women wanted someone to take care of them, men wanted to be in a position of power. Today, as more women become financially independent, looking to be taken care of is no longer what many are seeking. Rather, both women and men want an equal partnership in the relationship, and a best friend. Of course, there are many other factors resulting in the breakdown of the marriage, I don't want to over simplify it. But, if you consider how expectations surrounding marriage have changed over the last few decades, and the thought of no longer becoming a social outcast upon divorce, these are some influencing factors behind the increasing divorce rate amongst couples in long term marriages.

Of course, another factor is simply that as the baby boomer generation grows older, of course, the number of divorces of older people grows greater too. Baby boomers represent about 29% of the population of the United States. 

Deborah points out that the stigma of divorce has diminished which suggests it is an easier decision for older couples to make now than it was in the past. While it is true that the stigma has diminished, I have never met anyone, especially those in the baby boomer generation, who have taken divorce lightly. It continues to be an isolating, painful process. 

In the past, there was great admiration given to those couples who stayed married "till death". I feel that if two people can find a way to stay happy together for many years, it is wonderful but if they are miserable and "stick it out", I don't see what there is to celebrate. Frankly, I never understood why staying in a relationship that was terrible was worthy of admiration. What's the point? 

People change. The challenge is to find ways to change together and to give each other the room you need to grow and renew. This can take a lot of work and patience. Sometimes it just is impossible. 

My parents were married 54 years when death separated my father from my mother. I think they were happy together throughout their marriage. I hope to reach the same plateau. I look forward to 50 more years of matrimonial bliss. I'll be 99 years old! Wow! 

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Separation and divorce is hard on children. Frankly, it's hard on everyone, adult children included. Often separating couples see their adult children as being more able to cope with their parents' separation than younger children. I am not sure this is true. 

Erica Manfred is the author of "He's History, You're Not: Surviving Divorce After Forty." and recently authored an interesting article in the Huffington Post about how to tell adult children of your divorce.

She offers eight "rules": 

1. Give the news in a compassionate way. Don't just email, text or phone them. Do it in person. 
2. Don't lie. Tell them the truth about your marriage. 
3. Show empathy. Try to support your children.  It's hard for them too. 
4. Don't put them in the middle. Don't ask your kids to take sides. 
5. Don't depend on your children for advice. This is another way of putting them in the middle. Let them love both parents. 
6. Don't ever tell them "you're the reason we stayed together". This can make your children feel guilty and feel that their whole childhood was a sham. 
7. Call a truce with your Ex. You will always be connected with your spouse through your children so try to get along. 
8. Don't shove your new boyfriend or girlfriend down your kids' throats. It is just too awkward and could lead to resentment. Give them time to adjust. 

I agree with all of these suggested rules except for the second one. Erica suggests that you should tell your adult children the reasons for the divorce. She says if there was an affair, be honest about it. 

I feel that telling your children about the reasons for the marriage ending will likely cause the children to take sides. This is not helpful to your children. They ought to be able to maintain a relationship with both parents. The problems you two had has nothing to do with their relationship with each of parent. Telling them about the affair can only lead to more strife and the children feeling caught in the middle. 

Some may argue that adult children are better able to cope and understand their parents' separation yet I argue they are still your children. Let me give you an example. Intellectually, your adult children know that you have a sex life whereas when your children were young, they had no idea. Young children walking in on their parents making love is shocking. Walking in on mom and dad having sex would be just as awkward and disturbing to the adult child. Just imagine it for yourself! Yuck!

Likewise, learning the sordid facts around the breakdown of your marriage would be at the very least awkward and at the worst, repulsive. Simply put, I don't see how it could benefit your children. They will tend to take sides and "divorce" one of their parents. Don't make your adult children casualties of your divorce. 

Otherwise, I like the advice offered by Erica. Be sensitive to your adult children when you tell them you are getting a divorce. Treat them the same way you would if they were still your cute little bundles of joy even if they are now your adult, money-sucking, know-it-all children. Either way, they are still your darling children.

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The Parental Planner is a new way for separated parents to communicate with one another. It is a essentially a communications journal that is passed between parents at the time of exchanging the children.

The advantage to using a communications journal is that it avoids face-to-face confrontations. You can also ensure all the pertinent information is exchanged. It also serves as a record of communications between parents. It helps parents who are separated to try to maintain some consistency in their parenting between homes. I also like that it has plastic folders in it so that documents such as health insurance cards can go back and forth easily. 

It is best to keep it available so that you can jot information into whenever the need arises. 

Although it not intended to be shared with the children, it should be written in such a way that if your children do stumble upon it, you will be proud of what you have written in it. So don't criticize the other parent. Always be respectful of one another in your communications. 

Don't forget to also share positive events in the children's lives such a milestones and achievements. 

If you are angry at the other parent, put the journal down! Let your steam off some other way and then, when cooler heads prevail, you can write in the journal. 

The Parental Planner is simple and yet comprehensive. 

Learn more about it at www.ParentalPlanner.com. 

And it's Canadian! 

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