Ontario Family Law Blog : Barrie Lawyer & Attorney Brian Galbraith : Simcoe County, Canada Divorce, Separation, and Collaborative Law

Have you ever fallen in love with something only to have it break, get lost or stolen? Maybe it was a special coffee mug, a favorite blanket or a stuffed toy. Gone forever.

I remember having an emotional attachment to special belt buckle. When it was lost, I was at first angry and then I almost cried. Eventually I felt silly for becoming so attached to a "thing".

In hindsight,  I now realize that it wasn't the belt buckle that was special but rather it was the memories it represented.

It was the first buckle I ever won showing horses. It represented hours of hard work and dedication to achieve a goal. As a teenager, it was very special to me.

The division of household contents is often a contentious issue when clients are separating or divorcing. Normally clients lament the cost of replacing items but, in most cases, if you drill deep enough, it is an emotional loss that fuels the fight. It's not really about "the thing".

For example, spending thousands of dollars on legal fees fighting over a used electric kettle worth $2.00 does not make sense on the basis of the value of the item but if that kettle represents the hopes and dreams of domestic bliss or memories of happier days, its value is priceless.

Perhaps fighting over your kettle is your way to avenge the hurt caused by your spouse. There are many reasons for steamy conversations about a kettle but ask yourself "what is the real issue here?"

I encourage clients when thinking about the division of household contents to ask themselves "In five years, will it matter to me if I have this item or not?"

"Fifteen years from now, will I be proud to tell my grandchildren about how we resolved the division of household contents?"

This helps you make priorities and keep things in perspective. Things of a lesser priority can be bargained away to get things of greater importance. Deals can be made and settlement achieved, cost-effectively.

Jason Brown in his blog at Minnesota Divorce and Family Law Blog has an excellent article in which he lists some great methods for dividing up the household contents. He suggests the following:

* Two Lists: One of you makes two lists of items, of roughly equal value. The lists are presented to the other. The person who didn't draft the lists gets to pick which list they want. There is an incentive for the person drafting to fairly and equitably divide things or they'll get burned during the selection process.

* Silent Auction: This is my favorite. A master list of all of your personal property is created. Each party blindly puts a dollar value next to each item. The high bid takes the item at the value listed. Once all items are bid on, the totals for each party are added up. The party receiving the higher dollar value pays the other a cash equalizer to make up the other's shortfall. Parties are free to place a high value on items they really want, but won't list a ridiculous bid out of fear of paying a large offset.

* Arbitration: An arbitrator is basically a private judge. You pay this person, usually a lawyer, to listen to your side of things in an informal conference setting. Then, your spouse does the same. The arbitrator is given the authority to divide the entire list of items as they deem fair and equitable. Costs are saved because the parties attend the arbitration without counsel and divide the arbitrator's fee. Most couples submit to binding arbitration so that the decision of the arbitrator is final.

* Rotating Lists: Make a master list and take turns going back and fourth until all of the personal property is divided. Flip a coin to see who goes first.

However you divide up your things, remember you won't get everything you want and that's okay.  It just creates the new challenge of finding replacement items for reasonable prices. You can always go to garage sales or look online for bargains at Craigslist or  Kijiji. Shop around. You'll be surprised how little it will cost and how much fun it is to replace those missing items.

In ten years most of the stuff you are arguing about will be safely lodged in a dump somewhere, rotting away to eternity. It really isn't worth the cost or energy to fight over them now.

So save yourself from paying legal fees. Don't fight about your household contents. Just go replace your old junk with other people's old junk... and make them part of your "new home"... a place for "new memories".

... but if you see my belt buckle, shoot me an email. I still miss it!

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Why should you refer your divorcing clients, patients and friends to a Collaborative lawyer?

Here is why….

Doctors, Dentists, Health Care Practitioners: You know that a divorce battle is one of the most stressful events in a patient's life, especially for their children. You give your patients the gift of a less stressful way to divorce, promoting good health,  if you refer them to a Collaborative lawyer. You will be a hero.

Marriage counselors, therapists: You know the destructive impact of divorce battle on families, especially children. You are giving your clients the gift of a healthier way of untangling their relationships with better prospects for a healthier relationship post-separation when you refer your clients to a Collaborative lawyer. You will be a hero.

Non-Family Law Lawyers: You know that a good referral to a client will solidify their trust in you. You can't give a better referral than to a Collaborative lawyer who uses a process that costs less, results in better settlements, is less destructive and is faster than the court system. You will be a hero.

Accountants, bookkeepers, financial planners, bankers: You know that a divorce battle can result in the destruction of the wealth you helped your clients accumulate and tear apart relationships between business partners. You give your clients the gift of a faster, more cost-effective way of resolving divorce issues thus preserving your client's wealth when you refer them to a Collaborative lawyer. You will be a hero.

Real estate agents, mortgage brokers: You know how difficult it is to facilitate a sale or purchase of a home when your clients are in a court battle. You give your clients the gift of a smoother resolution of divorce issues, including those related to the sale of their home, by referring your clients to a Collaborative lawyer. You will be a hero.

Priests, Rabbis, Ministers: You know that divorce is a reality for many in your congregations and can bring out the worst in them, leading them away from their faith. You give the members of your congregation the gift of a way of resolving divorce related issues that is more peaceful, respectful and dignified when you refer them to a Collaborative lawyer. You will be a hero.

Hairdressers, bartenders, personal trainers: You know all the stories of destruction and unimaginable costs to individuals, families and children by divorce battles. You give your clients the gift of a less destructive way of separating when you refer them to a Collaborative lawyer. You will be a hero.

Friends, family, acquaintances: You know the pain and costs of a divorce battle. You are giving a gift of a better way to resolve separation issues when you refer someone to a Collaborative lawyer. You will be a hero.

Heros... remember to make sure the lawyer you refer your clients, family and friends to actually has training in Collaborative Practice. Not all family law lawyers have the special training. They might say they are “collaborative” meaning they try to settle their cases before trial. Special skills, an intense commitment to settlement and an in depth knowledge of the process are necessary to be a true Collaborative Lawyer and that comes with training. Our association lists those with training in Simcoe County. The international association, the IACP, also lists criteria for practicing members.

Refer someone to a Collaborative lawyer.

Be a hero.

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Question: Will a father in Divorce Court in Barrie, Ontario get a fair hearing? 

Answer: Not always but I agree with the general sentiments of Michael Niren in his blog entitled "A Father's Right's in Divorce" when he says the following: 

The idea that courts will generally side with the mother comes from the court attempting to rule for what is best for the child while remaining practical. Generally, the mother may be the primary caregiver, has remained home with the child since birth, or the father has been the one to leave the marital home in the event of a marriage breakdown. These factors influence the court’s custody decision, but they are not always a standard representation of each family situation, and circumstances can often be the direct opposite or both parents can be equally loving, responsible and fit to be a welcomed part of their children’s lives.

Michael is responding in his blog to an article in the National  Post which characterizes the Courts as having fallen prey to the rants of radical feminists. The newspaper article suggests these radicals can be found primarily in the Women's Studies programs at Canadian universities and is happy to see the demise of these programs. In essence, they argue that the the Courts favour women because the judges have been corrupted by radical feminists.

It is a polemic intended to catch people's attention but does not reflect reality.

A few weeks ago, I did a blog called "Why Dad's Suffer in Court" in which I argue that it is not judges who should be blamed for any injustices that may occur to fathers (and they do occur from time to time) but rather it is the judicial system itself that is the cause. I stand by that blog.

I believe that clients are best served when they use the Collaborative Team Process to resolve the outstanding issues related to their divorce.

Collaborative Team Process is a radical new way of resolving divorce-related issues. All parties and professionals commit to resolving the issues without going to Court. Should one of the parties choose Court, everyone must start all over with new professionals.

The clients have the additional cost of starting over so have an incentive to negotiate in good faith. The lawyers lose their clients if the matter proceeds to Court so they put 100% of their energy into settling the case.

In Ontario, as in most of North America, we are moving toward a team model. The Divorce Coach helps both of you prepare for meetings by moving you through the emotional stages of divorce and case manages the process. The Parenting Coach will help you develop a parenting plan. The Financial Specialist will help you work through the division of property and support issues. The lawyers help resolve any issues that arise, offer the range of legal outcome, help analyze the settlement options and ensure the final agreement is legally binding. The whole process works very efficiently and empowers you to make your own decisions.

The research shows that about 85% of cases result in settlement. What is remarkable is that even if clients are not able to resolve their issues through the Collaborative Process, they will still recommend it to their family and friends! Wow! Isn't that amazing?

In over 20 years of practicing family law, none of my clients have been pleased with the Court process, win or lose. The Court process is slow, costly, inefficient and you are giving the power to resolve issues to a stranger: the Judge. They do their best to dispense "Justice" but, as one of my clients said "This ain't a 'justice system'... it is 'just a system'"

The judges do their best to dispense justice but it isn't easy. You know what is best for yourself and your family. With the help of professionals walking with you through the process, you can resolve the issues yourself. Not only will the results be better, it will be less costly and take less time to resolve.

I love Collaborative Team Process... can you tell?

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We need a Divorce Fair in Barrie, Ontario!

Recently, Halifax hosted it's first divorce fair. It was an opportunity to learn everything you need to know about getting a divorce, and how to prepare for life after divorce. Wow! What a great idea.

The fair was two days: one day for men and one day for women. You wouldn't want to bump into your spouse, especially if your spouse doesn't know you are thinking about divorce, hence the division of days by gender. Makes good sense to me.

Michael Niren in his most recent blog at www.divorcesupport.ca suggests that with the divorce rate over 40% this sort of fair may become common place in Canada. I hope so.

A similar fair was held in the UK in the spring of 2009 for the first time, and it was well received according to article in  The Telegraph. A second one is scheduled for March, 2010. I like the name they are using in the U.K. It's called the Starting Over Show which of course makes the acronym SOS. Very appropriate.

There are exhibitors and speakers at these shows. For example, lawyers, mediators, financial planners, yoga teachers, dentists (to improve your smile), cosmetic surgeons, psychologists, real estate agents, counselors, dating agencies, life coaches and anybody else who might be of interest to people going through a divorce have booths or do presentations. It's a place to get more information, new contacts and get inspired as you begin your new life.

Oliver Moore in his article in The Globe and Mail about the Halifax fair quotes the main speaker at the Halifax fair, Justice Harvey Brownstone as follows:

Mr. Justice Harvey Brownstone, author of Tug of War: A Judge's Verdict on Separation, Custody Battles, and the Bitter Realities of Family Court, is speaking on both days. He noted in an interview that he's seen first-hand the “emotional carnage” that can result from divorce.

“It bothers me as a judge that by the time we see parents they're in front of me geared up for a fight,” he said. “I have long thought that I'd like to be able to reach them in advance. These people need counselling, they need financial advice, they need help coming up with parenting plans.”

The divorce fair provided the kind of information Justice Brownstone suggests, so people can make an educated decision about their choices. Too often people considering divorce end up meeting with traditional divorce lawyers who simply urge them to go to court.

I believe divorce is not just a legal problem. It has emotional, financial, parenting and many other aspects to it. An interdisciplinary approach to divorce best meets your needs. A divorce fair sounds like it would give the public the perspectives of many different disciplines and professionals which is a good thing.

We suggest clients use Collaborative Team Practice to resolve their divorce-related issues. It is an interdisciplinary approach to divorce. Financial specialist help with the financial issues; Divorce coaches help with the emotional aspects; and, parenting coaches help with the parenting issues. Lawyers deal with the legal aspects, offer their help resolving difficult issues and ensure the resulting agreement is legally binding. It works well. Both parties and professionals agree that they won't go to court and will put all their energies into reaching a mutually agreeable settlement.

"Divorce Fair"... I even like the name! Fairs always have roller coasters and everyone who has been through a divorce knows it can be like a roller coaster ride some of the time! 

So, who wants to help me organize a Divorce Fair for Barrie? 

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Did you make a resolution this year to stop smoking, lose weight, reduce your debt? Or maybe you resolved that this is the year to get a divorce.

The origins of New Year's resolutions, according to Gordon North in his ezine article goes back to ancient Babylon and Roman times about 2000 BC. For just as long a time, people have been breaking their New Year's resolutions.

Anja Pujic in her blog at Suite 101 has good advice about how best to keep your resolutions. She  offers the following: 

When setting your New Year's goals, use these guidelines to start you off on the right track:

1. Don’t be afraid of failure. The trick is not to put so much pressure on yourself that you start doubting your ability to achieve your goal. Tell yourself that this is something you would like to achieve one day. Doing so will make it seem less like a chore and more like a hobby.
2. Don’t put a time limit on your resolution. If it takes one year, that’s great; if it takes longer, then it’s no big deal. By giving yourself a little bit of breathing room, you reduce pressure and stress and make your resolution easier to achieve and more enjoyable.
3. Don’t make your resolution too ambitious. Set and stick to realistic goals because you are more likely to achieve them and less likely to be disappointed in yourself.
4. Practice discipline in every aspect of your life. This will make it easier to discipline yourself to follow through with your resolution. When you feel tempted to procrastinate, remember that the sooner you start working on your resolution, the faster and easier it will be to attain.
5. Take baby steps. You cannot reach your New Year’s resolution overnight so don’t expect to. If you do, you are more likely to become disappointed in yourself, lose motivation and, in the end, fail.
6. Tell someone about your resolution so that it feels real. Even better, find someone with the same resolution and support each other along the way. Talking to someone who is going through the same thing as you are can be a great source of relief, encouragement and support during moments of weakness. It can also help build and develop great lifelong relationships between people.

We normally see a surge in clients in the New Year, seeking a divorce for the same reasons people make resolutions at New Year.  The New Year brings with it a new resolve to make things better in our lives. Clients struggle through the holiday period, doing their best to "hold it together". Nobody wants to be accused of being Scrooge by seeking a divorce at Christmas. So, in January, clients come to our office in droves, wanting to improve their lives through divorce.

Constance Ahrons in her book The Good Divorce says that her research indicates that most divorced people don't regret getting a divorce but wish they had started the process sooner and not "held out".

If you have decided this is the year for you to get a divorce, apply Anja's principles to the process:

1. Don't be afraid of failure. You are not alone. About 50% of marriages end in divorce and they manage to get through it. So will you.
2. Don’t put a time limit on your resolution. Divorce takes time and is a painful process at best. Just take one day at a time. Remember the process goes as fast as the slowest person. If you are the one initiating the divorce, your spouse is probably not there yet emotionally and will need some time to catch up. Be patient. 
3. Don’t make your resolution too ambitious. Divorce is a monumental change in your life. Set reasonable, smaller, achievable goals to keep yourself moving forward to your new life.
4. Practice discipline in every aspect of your life. Find healthy ways of coping with your divorce. Use discipline to avoid falling into unhealthy coping techniques such as over drinking or drug use. Get exercise, eat properly and get adequate sleep. Find a Divorce Coach who will help you stay the course.
5. Take baby steps. Make a list of the things that have to be done, and then break down each item into the smaller steps. Take one step at a time and then celebrate your daily successes. Start with finding the right lawyer (a Collaboratively trained divorce lawyer) who will help you work through the issues. Also find a good Divorce Coach to help you through the emotional journey. That's a good start.
6. Tell someone about your resolution so that it feels real. Most people start by telling their family (brothers, sisters, parents) about their decision to get a divorce. Seek out positive, supportive people in your life who will comfort you when you need it.

I don't advocate that you get a divorce if you have a fulfilling, loving marriage. You are one of the lucky few. But, if you feel that a divorce is inevitable, now is as good a time as any. Take a deep breath, find your resolve and move forward toward your new and better life. It's a New Year!

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I just read an amazing blog by "The Jolly Mama". It is an amazingly honest description of the emotional struggles of separation and divorce from someone going through it.

The title of her blog entry is "Kubler-Ross and My Life Lately" and here is a quote from it.

What does any of this have to do with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross? She is the psychologist who identified the seven stages of grief, and that is what I have been experiencing for the past year. I don't know if all of my emotions have necessarily been identical to the ones she classified. I've been so angry that I'm divorced. That I have to share my children, and I go days without them next to me. That I tried and tried and tried to be a cool wife and was always shut out. That what was lovely about me, my desire to be a helpmate, was rejected or looked upon with suspicion. So, this is not the life I wanted... but it is the life I have.

If you are struggling with depression or grieving the end of your marriage, take heart, you are not alone. Everyone who goes through a divorce experiences the same grief process. At Christmas and other special occasions, the pain of divorce can be worse.

I am a divorce lawyer yet when I went through my own divorce, it was devastating. I thought I would do okay being a divorce professional, yet I too went through the whole grieving process, just like everyone else. It was painful.

Pamela S. Wynn, a lawyer in Florida, writes a great blog  with useful advice on how to get through the depressive feelings divorcing people experience especially during the holiday season. She suggests (I'm summarizing) the following: 

1. Be your own best friend.
2. Focus on lifting the spirits of others.
3. Integrate - don't isolate.
4. Initiate new holiday traditions.  

I would add to Pamela's list.... "Find and work with a Divorce Coach".

They have special training on how to help you work through the emotional stages of divorce. In our area, we recommend Sue Cook or  Deborah Alton. They are both excellent divorce coaches.

Using a divorce coach does not mean you are suffering from a mental illness or that you are weak in some way. They will not engage you in therapy. They simply help you understand and move through the emotional stages of divorce more quickly. Time heals everything but who wants to wait around! Go see a divorce coach. I did.

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Daniel Clement pointed out in his blog that a UK law firm is actually selling gift certificates for a consultation with a divorce lawyer. What do you think of that? ... the gift of divorce!! 

Here are the top ten uses I have come up with so far, just for laughs, with suggestions on what to write on the gift card in quotes. Do you have any additions?

10. Give it to your spouse who is unwilling to deal with the reality of your separation and is stalling the process. "Let's get this done, honey!"

9. Give it to your lover who has said he or she will get a divorce but just hasn't done it. "Hey, if you love me, you would get this done!"

8. Give it to your sister so you don't need to deal with that nasty brother-in-law at Christmas!!  "You can do better!"

7. Give it to the guy who just took your parking lot at the mall, for his wife. "You can park yourself somewhere better!"

6. Give it to your friend who is about to get married to a jerk.  "Just in case..."

5. If you are single, give it anonymously to someone married who you would like to date. "Hint. Hint. There are more fish in the ocean... including me!"

4. Give it to your favourite bartender or hairdresser. "In case you need some advice too!"

3. Give it yourself. If you are facing a divorce, maybe it's time to get some advice.  "O.K. I had better take a deep breath and get this done!"

2. Give it to Tiger Woods' wife. "Thirteen lovers is too many! "

1. Give it to Tiger Woods. "Sorry... but you might as well get back to golfing!"

Actually, all kidding aside, I like the idea of being able to give the gift of good advice to someone in need. If you are going through a divorce, wouldn't it be nice to receive this helping hand from a friend or family member?

What do you think? Should we start offering them for sale?

Another idea... I think we should start stamping the back of our business cards and offer the fifth divorce FREE!! ...okay... that's too tacky!! But it is funny!!

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I shed a tear and held back a million of them. Have you ever had a moment like that?

Maybe it was when you dropped off your son or daughter to daycare for the first time... or said good-bye on the first day of school, trying your best to show a brave face... or the first weekend with your ex spouse....or maybe when you resisted giving them a kiss as they went off to the prom with a date...or when you said "good luck" as they boarded the airplane for an exchange or to head to university... or was it when they had their first sleep over at a friend's home... or went away to camp for the first time. I bet you've had more than a few of those moments.

It's a time of mixed emotions. Fear - that your little one will need you and you won't be there to help. Disappointment - knowing that they probably won't need you. Sadness - of the pending silence now that they won't be around. Pride - that you have done a good job and they are ready to be on their own.

I had one of those moments this past weekend when I dropped off my son and his girlfriend of five years at their new home thousands of miles away. My wife and I dropped them off at their new home near a ski resort in the Canadian Rockies where they will work and ski for the winter. He is 18 and she is 19 years old.

As you can see from these photos of him, he is no longer a baby.

On top of the normal feelings of a parent saying good-bye to their son, I had another layer of feelings because I am a divorced dad. I felt guilt that his mother wasn't there to say good-bye because we are now divorced. Guilt that he was the child of divorce. Guilt that I wasn't always with him when he was growing up because he was with his mother. I also felt pride that I spent every moment possible with him and his brothers since separation, making them my focus when they were in my care. I also felt good that I had provided him with an excellent role model as to a healthy, loving relationship with my new marriage. I felt happy that I had positively contributed to him becoming who he is today.

Frankly, I could not speak to my wife after we said good-bye to my son. The emotions were too overwhelming.

Eventually, I said to myself "I have a choice. I can focus on the negative emotions or the positive ones." I chose the positive ones. I chose to think about what a great guy my son had become.

Justin is...

1. Caring and sensitive. Justin feels everything deeply. He is the peace-maker in the family always striving to find a just solution and to bring his family and friends together. He has maintained a loving relationship with his girlfriend for over five years in spite of him being only 18 years old because he is so caring, understanding and sensitive. He has many great  male friends too because he is a great friend to them.

Justin is...

2. Resourceful. Let me share a story. On a week-long canoe camping trip , I forgot the cutlery. Justin was not discouraged. He simply got out his knife and whittled a spork (spoon fork) from wood for himself. He made the most out of with what he had around him. This is typical of Justin.

Justin is...

3. Courageous. Whether mountain biking or snowboarding, Justin is always ready to push himself to great heights without being crazy or reckless. He was never afraid of challenges. He has played the violin since he was 5 years of age and never hesitated to perform for an audience. In fact, he played the violin at my wedding ceremony and at the open house of my new office. There is no fear in that boy.

Justin is... well.... he is all grown up now and I am so proud of him.

After focusing on the positives, I realized that Justin had turned out to be a great young man in spite of, or maybe, partly perhaps because of my divorce. Hmmmm.

If you are going through a divorce, remember to focus on the positive. Don't let the little voice of negativity get you down. Choose to be positive.

I only shed a couple of tears when I said good-bye and I held back a million. Then I realized that this was a new beginning for my son and, frankly, a new beginning for me. It was a good thing. He will be fine... and so will I.

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Are you dreading Christmas? Will it be your first  special holiday since your separation?  Are you depressed about not having your children for New Year's Eve, or Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or some other special day. Whatever the holiday, you are not alone.

I remember the first Christmas that my three boys were with their mother Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I cried and felt depressed most of the day. The time seemed to creep by so slowly. I felt all alone and like a failure.

I should have taken my 6 year old son's advice.

A few days before Christmas, he knew he would spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day with his Mom because that's what we agreed. So, he asked me to write a letter to Santa and ask him to come to my house on December 26th instead of the 25th. My son said that Santa comes to Steve's house (Steve is my friend who is divorced with kids too) on the 26th so he was sure he wouldn't mind coming to our house then too!

Of course, Santa did come on December 26th, even without a letter, but I think the message my son unwittingly was giving me was that it does not matter when we celebrate Christmas...lets just make whatever day we have together full of love, gratitude, Santa and fun. He knew Santa (and joy) would arrive whenever we wanted them to arrive. We just had to schedule it.

To help make your holidays special, here are ten things you can do:

1. Ensure your schedule is specific. You and your ex spouse should confirm well in advance when each of you will have the children. If you don't have specific times already agreed, negotiate the days and times as soon as possible. There are too many other sources of stress in December so try to nail down your times with your children now.
2. Don't fight over which days you have your children. Whenever you have them, make it special. If you really need particular days, offer to trade days with your ex spouse or give your ex spouse those special days next year. Treat your ex they way you would like to be treated, even if it isn't reciprocated.
3. Do something special for yourself. I make myself some of my favorite food, pour myself some wine, watch some basketball in front of the fireplace and wrap presents all day on December 25th. Actually, I look forward to my day spent all by myself. I am totally relaxed and ready when the boys come over on December 26th.
4. Support your children having a good time with their other parent. If you need to speak to someone about your sad feelings, talk to a friend or therapist - not your kids.  The children don't need to hear it. They need to hear that it is okay to have fun with their other parent too.
5. Create new traditions. This is a new beginning for you and your children so don't try to replicate the past. Find new ways to celebrate the event. You can preserve some of the past traditions but find new ways of celebrating too. My parents always put a maraschino cherry on the top of our grapefruits Christmas morning so I continue to do the same now. Change things up too... I started singing Christmas carols after our Christmas dinner.
6. Get outside. Go for a walk or ski or snowshoe. There is nothing more rejuvenating than being outside with nature and your family. When your kids are with you, take them outside too. A good snowball fight can really build up an appetite.
7. Give of your heart. If you have just recently separated, money is likely short so don't try to spend like you did in the past. Do something special for the people you love. Maybe you can write a special little poem for each of them or list twenty ways you appreciate them. Gifts often don't have lasting meaning. Can you even list five gifts you received last year or the year before? It is the feelings of love and appreciation that last forever.
8. Stay sober. If you over-drink,  you run the risk of crumbling into a pile of self-pity and depression. Nobody wants to see that and certainly your kids don't need to see it. Have fun but be careful so you can keep it together emotionally, especially during your first Christmas since your separation.
9. Surround yourself with positive, supportive people. If your family or friends are negative, remind them the season is all about gratitude, love and appreciation. Park you own negativity and search for the positive in everything and everyone, even your ex spouse.
10. Relax. Know that in time the holidays will become easier to get through and more fun. Just take a deep breath and get through your first set of holidays. Next year, it will be better. Trust me.

There are several wonderful blogs about surviving the holiday season after divorce. I recommend Richard Sharp's blog, Anne Shales blog, Nancy Van Tine's blog and Rosalind Sedacca's blog.  All have excellent advice for parents who are going through a divorce at this time of the year.

Now, my youngest son is 12 years old and he says the best thing about Mom and Dad having separated is that he enjoys "two Christmases, two Easters and two Thanksgivings!" He says "if you like that kind of food, it's great!" Let me assure you... he certainly does like "that kind of food!"

So make it a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa or whatever special holiday you are celebrating this year. Joy will come whenever you schedule its arrival. It is up to you.

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Gays in many of the states in the U.S. cannot get married unlike gay couples in Canada. In Canada, gays have all the same rights as heterosexual couples when it comes to marriage and divorce. The law in Canada was changed in 2005.

The law varies from state to state. Marriage licenses are issued in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, New Hampshire (begins January, 2010) but not in any other states. California is in a bit of a mess. They passed a law allowing same sex marriage but Proposition 8 squashed that development. The National Conference of State Legislatures has the details of the law on a state by state basis.

In Canada, our constitution defines divorce as being a federal power so the law is the same throughout Canada.

So, what does this mean for gay couples wishing to marry in a state that does not allow it?

Gideon Alper notes in his blog called Gay Couples Law Blog that some gay couples come to Canada to get married if it is illegal to do so in their home state.  That makes sense.

As Nancy Van Tine notes in her blog, Maine recently rejected same sex marriage, but since Canada is just a quick flight away from Maine (or long drive), it is easy for a gay couple in Maine to slip up to Canada to get married and all is well. Right?

The problem is that not all gay marriages are "happily ever after" either. Divorce happens... 

If you can't get married in a state, then you can't get divorced there either. So, if you are a gay couple who now wants a divorce in Maine, you can't get it. You might think a quick trip back to Canada would be all that's necessary. Not so fast! That won't work either!

You have to have been living in one province in Canada for at least one year to be able to ask for a divorce in that province. So, you are caught in what Barbara Findlay calls in her article in Lawyers' Weekly a "divorce catch-22". Married, wanting a divorce, and you can't get one.

The law is intended to dispense "justice" yet once again the frailties of the law are obvious. If you're a same sex couple living in Maine, you can get married in Canada but you are stuck married unless you move to another state or to Canada. Can you imagine?

Weird eh? 

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Are you going through a divorce? Do you sometimes feeling like you are losing your mind? Maybe you can't concentrate or you are constantly feeling like you are about to cry? Maybe you are drinking too much? Or working too hard? Or shopping too much? Maybe you have been willing to try anything to cope and now you worry you might have a problem... maybe even an addiction.

I remember when I went through my own divorce I felt all alone and  my whole world had been turned upside down. I was scared and sad and I am a divorce lawyer! I remember meeting with clients and struggling to keep myself from exploding in tears. To say the least, it was a tremendously stressful time. I thought I was going crazy.

It is normal to resort to unhealthy coping techniques when going through a divorce. Almost everyone does it at least once so don't beat yourself up. When you drink too much or shop too much or do some other behavior, it distracts you from the pain of your divorce. Nobody can blame you for slipping off the wagon once in a while. When it becomes an addiction, you have a bigger problem though. Either way, you need help and you need to develop healthy coping techniques.

If you fear that you have a addiction problem, Robert L. Mues has put together a list of links to 26 different assessment tools in his recent blog. Check it out! He lists assessment tools for depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, compulsive shopping and 22 other issues. They are all available on the internet and are a good start to dealing with any issues you might have in your life. Get professional help if you feel you may have an addiction. You can't deal with it alone. Start with your family doctor. You can't conquer addictions alone. Alcoholics Anonymous is classic example. They use peer support (meetings) and the buddy system to support those who want to kick their addiction. 

Maybe you don't have an addiction and you just are struggling through the normal emotions of your divorce. It's a difficult time for anyone.  We recommend to all of our clients they work with a Divorce Coach. It is normal to grieve the end of your marriage and a Divorce Coach will help you work through the normal emotions inherent to your divorce faster, so you can get on with your life.

Lawyers are not trained to help you work through the emotional journey. We want you to get the support you need so you can get through the emotional journey more quickly and efficiently. 

Your Divorce Coach will help you find healthy coping techniques that will work for you. Maybe it's getting exercise, eating good food, searching out support from friends and family, reading inspiring books, journaling or some other technique. Your Divorce Coach will give you ideas, homework and help you move though the emotional stages of divorce so you can get on with your life faster.

A Divorce Coach is not just if you are suffering from mental illness. That's a therapist. A Divorce
Coach is for anyone going through a divorce who is human and experiences emotions. Hmmmm Does that fit you? 

From a lawyer's point of view, I want all my clients to work with a Divorce Coach so that the emotions inherent to your divorce won't sidetrack the negotiations. I want you to have the best chance of negotiating an excellent settlement.

Your Divorce Coach will teach you the stages of divorce, ways to close the door on the past, how to cope with the transition, ways of communicating effectively with your spouse and help you look forward to a new life.

The bottom line: I have never had a client say they regret the money or time they spent with their Divorce Coach. Everyone has thanked me for the recommendation. Now, just take a deep breath and do it.

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Have you been unaware of an upcoming school event (like the Christmas concert) or an extracurricular event because your spouse forgot to tell you? Isn't it frustrating? And disappointing? It's also embarrassing when you drop the ball and forget to pass on important information.

Scheduling events, holidays and other activities for children can be difficult for any family, but the challenge is even greater for divorced parents. Often parents who have separated or divorced have difficulty communicating with each other at the best of times. Living in separate homes can make it even worse.  But you know that already if you're divorced. So what's the answer?

You need a system.

For many years, I have encouraged clients whose separation is fresh and raw to use a communication book. One of the parents purchases a blank book which is used to discuss any proposed changes to the access schedule, illnesses of the children, milestones, accomplishments, discipline problems and upcoming events in the children's lives. I encourage the parents to decorate the book with photos of the children on the outside of the book (to remind the parents to stay focused on their children's best interests) and to plan on giving the book to their children when they are adults (to encourage the parents to treat each other respectfully and politely in the book since their children will read it one day).

A high tech modern version of the communication book is Our Family Wizard. This is an on-line  calendar and communication tool available through the Internet. It is amazing. You can communicate upcoming changes to the schedule, health concerns, financial issues and any other issues related to your children through your own private website set up for this purpose. Older children can even be given access to the site as can any other third parties agreed to by you and your spouse (mediator, parenting coach, lawyers, grand parents). The cost is $99.00 per parent per year. They even have "scholarships" to reduce or eliminate the costs for deserving families. Third party access is free. Check out Our Family Wizard.

A free option is Google Calendar. It does not have all the bells and whistles of "Our Family Wizard" because it isn't designed for separated families, but it is free. A calendar is set up over the Internet with access restricted to you and your spouse or third parties agreeable to the parents. It's private and available wherever you can access the Internet. You can post upcoming events on the calendar such as the next hockey tournament or dance recital so everyone knows about it in advance.

Ideally, its best if you can communicate openly with one another via meetings, telephone calls or emails but often this is impossible especially immediately after the separation. The emotions are too hot for direct communication. So, try some other system.

Of course, a system works only if you work the system. Even if your spouse doesn't keep you informed or is unreliable, just take the high road, and do it anyway. Some of us are planners and some of us aren't planners. Such is life. Do it anyway.  

Whether you use the old fashioned communication book, Our Family Wizard, Google Calendar, emails, meetings or phone calls, find a way to communicate respectfully and in a timely manner. If you don't make an effort, your children will suffer. Your children deserve parents who will put aside their own personal feelings toward each other and find a way to communicate with each other, for the children's sake... and you don't want to miss another Christmas concert!

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